On the Horizon

I turned 38 yesterday. For reasons past understanding or at least explaining, this birthday bothered me more than any other birthday. I can honestly say that, because no other birthday has bothered me at all.

People who know me would probably say I'm fairly optimistic, although that optimism is somewhat tarnished at this point. Those who know me the best would say that sometimes I'm optimistic, I almost always GET to optimistic eventually, and that I have lately become a complete bitch on the path to optimistic. I preface this entry with the optimistic bullshit so that you don't believe that I always think the way I've thought this week.

Yesterday, the predominate feeling was that I'm halfway to dead and have so many things left undone. So many things I haven't even broached, much less finished. In an effort to slap myself out of my pity party, I thought of all the things I HAVE done. I have terrific kids and have been blessed with a family I would trade for no other. I've chiseled a few true friends from the boulder of people I know. I have a job I like and hobbies I enjoy and get better at all the time. I have a hammock and someone on my block has wireless internet. Seriously, what do I want? A rewind button would be nice.

My sister once told me she never thought I was unsure of myself--I seemed to her to always know what to do. Hah! I spend much of my life bluffing, although I am more confident every day. That probably comes with age, dammit. The confidence and backbone may be the only positives. Well, not giving a shit is fun, but the mouth that comes with not giving a shit is going to get me in trouble sometime soon.

I've lost some time, and I've wasted more time than I've lived. Beyond that, I seem to be coming undone. I am physically sore this week. I've been working in my yard and am wretchedly out of shape, so I could say that's the reason for my pain and let it go. Maybe I slept wrong. If I'm going to be honest with myself and with you, though, I need to face the fact that the reason my right shoulder, hip, leg, ribs, and knee hurt is because I fell down walking around the left-field fence at my niece's softball game Sunday. I didn't trip and there was no hole. This tumble can only be blamed on gravity. Some of you may have had tumbles like this. There I was, walking along, trying to decide which hot pink shirt was Madeline when suddenly the horizon cartwheeled past my eyes, teased me with a fence I thought I could catch, battered my right side, and spit in my face as I landed. That freakin' horizon attacked me in such a way that I was dirty on all sides. Probably even the inside, but I didn't check. Mostly, I tried to regain my vertical status so that the concerned witnesses would all know I was fine. Fine? I have ball field in my cleavage! Wanna see? It looks like the Grand Canyon from outer space. Fine? Hah!

Maybe it wasn't gravity. It may have been the eyesight. My eyes seem, for some unfathomable reason, to be pissed off pranksters. I know I used to be able to focus. I remember focusing. I can't do it anymore, at least not on a regular basis, but I know I could not so long ago. So maybe my eyes made me fall. They've made me do some other shit lately, that's for sure. They make me take off my glasses and do owl moves with my head to read stuff on the backs of boxes. Crap. I'm not to the "my arms aren't long enough" stage, but that stage is on the horizon. Probably the same horizon that assaulted me at the ball game.

As for the physical appearance, I seem to have taken on a slightly sunkissed but mostly rode hard and put away wet look. It's nothing like a youthful glow--don't let the word wet trick you. I think being put away wet leads to some sort of fungal growth. Also, those years of sunkissed have added up to a sick connect the dots with wrinkles and what are either large freckles or age spots. I'd like to say freckles, but I'm starting to notice a trend.

I'm sorry--I have to go. I just sneezed hard. When I sneezed, I peed my pants and my left boob shot out the arm hole of my tank top. And yes, I am wearing a bra, dammit.